


The Not Having Sex Club

by tbmd1066



Series: Hot Potato Prompts [12]
Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Ouran High School Host Club, Crack, M/M, capri pizza, the Not Having Sex Club, we killed Stan Lee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-28
Updated: 2014-12-28
Packaged: 2018-03-04 01:29:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2904308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tbmd1066/pseuds/tbmd1066
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An Ouran High School Host Club Au for GotG, featuring Tony Stark.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Not Having Sex Club

Tony Stark was pissed. Super pissed. He'd had an argument with his father before school that morning, and he was now looking for someone to pick a fight with, since he hadn't finished his earlier one. 

Unfortunately there seemed to be no one around, and he was new to this school, so he wasn't sure where to look. He scoured the halls, wondering why the school was so damn big.

"I just want to punch somebody in the face!" he shouted, though no one heard him. "WHERE IS EVERYONE??" 

He came across a room labeled "Music room 3". 

"Hm." he grunted. "Maybe there's a band practice going." He grabbed the ornate handle of the door and wrenched it open. "Hey!" he shouted, hoping to start a fight. 

"Welcome to the Not Having Sex Club!" he heard a group say in sing-song voices. 

"What the fuck?" he peered into the brightly lit room. In it was a group of strange people, who all looked vaguely frustrated. "Who the fuck are you?"

"We are the Not Having Sex Club, welcome!" the man sitting down stated. He was attractive enough, with a short brown beard, which was weird for a high-schooler. Around him were two sisters, linking arms, a raccoon perched in a tree with a face, and a large shirtless man with full-body tattoos. "I am Star Lord, who are you?"

"Star Lord? Wow, because that's not at all pretentious. Man, I thought I was egotistical." Tony smirked at the annoyance on Star Lord's face. "I'm Tony Stark."

"Nobody calls him Star Lord. He is Peter Quill, and he is lord of nothing but this club." the shirtless guy said. "I am Drax the Destroyer."

"I suppose you destroy things, big guy." Tony said. Drax nodded. "Great, well fortunately I didn't come in here for sex."

"That is fortunate indeed." Drax said. 

"I came in here to punch someone in the face." he said, immediately venting his frustrations on the left side of the blue girl's face. He heard something crack, and he wasn't sure if it was her face, or his hand. He looked at his knuckles, and discovered it was them. He looked up at the girl, and found sparks flying out of her face. "Holy shit, you're a cyborg!" 

"Yeah, this is Nebula, and her sister Gamora." Peter said. "And that's Rocket, and Groot."

"I am Groot."

"Well, it's nice to meet you all." Tony said, cradling his broken hand.

"Hey guys," Rocket said suddenly.  "You know what I've always wanted to try? Like, something you only hear about people doing but you never actually see?"

"Not really..." Murmured Tony.

"I am Groot!" Groot reasoned.

Rocket cleared his throat.  "This seems like a cool group.  I think we oughta take all of our clothes off and run naked through the mall, shitting and pissing everywhere."

"When the hell have you ever heard anyone talk about doing that?" Tony demanded.  Everyone ignored him, of course.

Everyone else in the room got really tense.  

"Well...you see...we already tried that..." Peter said in a low, ashamed tone.  

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Rocket hissed with disgust.

"You're the one who just said you wanted to do it though...." Drax said, feeling rather lost and confused.  

"I didn't it mean it though, you freaks." Rocket sat down on the chair in the corner with a pouty face.

"I am Groot."

Just then, the door to the club room blasted open, and standing in the doorway was a dark, dramatic, and slightly nerdy figure. 

"Welcome to the Not Having Sex Club!" Peter said, nonchalantly. "It's nice to meet you!"

The figure stepped into the room, and Tony gasped. "Hey, Fury!" the man turned to Tony, and Tony saw that it was not Fury, but just some old guy in a beanie and hipster glasses that looked like Fury. 

"Who the motherfucking fuck is that?" the guy said. "I'm Samuel L. Jackson, and I just came here to not have sex. Now that I've not done it, I'll be leaving." and he did.

"That happens a lot." Rocket said. 

"Now, let us discuss finances." Drax said, pulling out his iPinapple. "We need more money."

"For bombs?" Rocket asked.

"To kill Ronan?" Gamora and Nebula said in unison. 

Drax shook his head. "Money can't buy me love, but it can buy me a cop who is also a dog.  At least, I think it can.  Do you guys know where I can get that?"

"I don't know if thats legal..." Tony said softly.  "I don't want to break the law..."

Rocket laughed.

"I am Groot."

Gamora glanced at Tony.  "Is the weak little earth man afraid of bending the rules?" She laughed.

Tony blushed.  "N-no... Its just, police dogs serve a really important purpose.  I don't think its fair for us to buy one of them."

Everyone was laughing, and Tony felt painfully out of place.

"FINE!" He shouted suddenly.  "I'll do it.  I'll go ask a cop if I can buy their dog!"

Before anyone could stop him, the nervous young Tony had dashed out the door and across the street.  Conveniently, two cops were passing by with a dog on a leash.

"Tony is a good friend." Drax said thoughtfully.

"No he's stupid." Rocket muttered as he followed after Tony.  

Gamora, Nebula and Peter decided to go too, but they were too slow.  Tony had already approached the police officers.

"E-excuse me," Tony took a deep breath.  He had broken out into a sweat, and his hands were trembling.  He was certain that this was not legal.  "C-can I please buy your dog?"

"I can't believe this kid..."  Peter muttered.  "Those cops are literally going to kill him."

And they did.  Both cops literally pulled out their guns and literally shot Tony to death.  He deserved it, though.  It's illegal to ask a cop if you can buy their dog.

All the aliens and Quill stared at Tony as he lay on the floor bleeding. "Ow!" he cried. "Holy shit!" he screamed. "Oh my GOD this hurts so much right now, auughh!" the Not Having Sex Club stared at him. 

"Well, it's kind of your fault." Rocket said.

"I am Groot." Groot said.

"I don't care if it's rude."

"I am Groot."

"Yeah, yeah, I love you too, babe."

Tony blinked tears back. He felt a little dizzy seeing all the blood. "C-can one of you help me? Gamora?"

Gamora shook her head. "No, I think we should be departing to get pizza."

Tony stared at her, horrified. "N-Nebula?"

"Pizza, man. We were going to invite you, but you pulled that shit, and now you are going to die. Later, bitch."

Tony stared after the Not Having Sex Club as they left him, dying alone and pain, to get pizza. 

\----

While they were at Capri Pizza, an old man approached them.  He wobbled as he walked, and wore thick-rimmed black glasses.  Most of his hair was gone, and what remained was barely clinging to his skull.

"That man looks old as balls." Rocket observed wisely.

Suddenly, the old man was standing at the table and gripping Gamora by the collar of her shirt.  She raised her hand to strike him, when Nebula grabbed her hand.

"Wait," She said.  "It looks like he's trying to communicate with us.  Tell us old man, speak to us.  What is it that you are trying to say?"

His mouth hung open and his dentures popped out and landed on the pizza.  

"Ew dude I was going to eat that!" Peter wailed helplessly.  He began to cry, but his friends were too busy trying to decode the old man's words to notice him.

"I have an idea!" Drax announced proudly as he handed pen and paper to the old man.  He began to scribble furiously and, when he finished, Gamora read it aloud.

"'Help.  I am having severe flashbacks to Vietnam.  I killed so many people...In fact... I may kill again.' Well thats a bit disturbing."

The old man grabbed the pizza fork off the table and tried to stab Gamora with it, who proceeded to put him in a headlock and snap his neck.  She let his limp body fall to the floor and smiled.

"You know what guys? I like this club.  I like us.  I hope we stay friends for the rest of high school!" 

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Cards used:  
> I never really fit in in high school until I discovered the "Not having sex" club.  
> Punching somebody in the face  
> Taking all of your clothes off and running naked through the mall, shitting and pissing everywhere  
> Samuel L. Jackson  
> Money can't buy love but it can buy me "___"  
> A cop who is also a dog  
> Dying alone and in pain  
> gay aliens  
> Vietnam flashbacks


End file.
